The clouds are beginning to lighten. They're not gone; rain still mists my vision at some point most days. Perhaps that is all I can ask for -- a temporary dispersement or rearrangement of the weight. I think my serious nature forbids any real lightening. I still dream of it, though, and occasionally I catch a shadow of what that life could be like. I did this weekend, and I did again today.

I had a fantastic weekend, full of shopping, laughing, relaxing, and reading. I told you about what I bought; I couldn't have been more excited to stumble across that old typewriter. To follow up that purchase with an afternoon at the Lawsons was more enjoyment than I would have dared to ask for. I spent the afternoon learning about dragons and fountain pens and books and all sorts of fun and obscure things. Later, we went outside and blew bubbles. I haven't done that in such a long time, although it's one of my favorite things to do. It makes me feel like a little girl; it brings me back to the time when I played dress-up and had a passion for ballet and stuffed animals. That feels so long ago now. Sometimes I just feel so hard and cynical, and to an extent, I am. I am a skeptical, practical, logical person. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like that, though. There's a part of me that longs to be young, innocent, and free. I think indulging that side of me through reading children's lit, or keeping a dollhouse in my room, or sitting on a stoop watching the sun set while blowing bubbles, has become more important to me. Someone once said to me, "I don't think you were ever a child." I don't know what context she meant it in, but part of me thinks she's right. Those memories of dress-up and dancing are so distant and weak that they sometimes feel like they never happened. I don't remember most of my childhood, so it occasionally feels as if I was always a grown-up. I guess my indulgence in childish activities is a way for me to try to reclaim what I've lost. Maybe whimsy is as much a part of me as gravity. I guess I'll see eventually if I can learn to embrace both of those.

In other news, I received official word today that my essay is being published for sure. They're sending me paperwork. :) ! I love the feeling of giddiness that washed over me when I read the e-mail. It's too bad that can't stay.