A return and an exploration of deeper things

First of all, thank you all for your prayers. I'm happy to report that they worked very well indeed. Caitlin's surgery went well, and study abroad issues are being resolved remarkably quickly.

My life is generally pretty dull, but occasionally I have periods of absurd busyness. That's what happened this week, which is why I haven't written anything despite my desire to do so. My boss is now here to keep me in line :), so I have a little less free time at work. Besides, my mind has been so focused on trying to straighten out study abroad issues that the deeper things mentioned in the title have necessarily been pushed aside. Of course, I didn't really have time to think at all before Tuesday night. My sister and niece came for a visit on Saturday, the day after the surgery. Caitlin was already back to normal -- which is to say, full of energy. Man, I love that girl, but I don't know how she does it. She could run around all day and barely stop to eat or take a nap. At least she's happy, as she always has been. Having her and my sister at home took a lot of energy out of me, even though I loved every minute. I was both saddened and relieved as I watched them leave for their own home.

And now for the deeper things ...

I have had so many things to ponder lately. I've read some provoking books, been challenged by friends, and tried to grapple with the complexity of death as one young person after another passes away. Preparation for study abroad has made me think about the future as well. Although I am not really suffering right now, I see it all around me, and it seeps into my conciousness. And so I've naturally thought about pain a lot. A couple of weeks ago, I went to my church's youth service rather than the group I usually attend, and was surprised to see that they were talking about pain. Somehow I didn't expect it; I think it's very brave of my youth pastor to broach such a subject with high schoolers. In some ways, I resisted participating; I thought, "What good does talking about this do? I've already suffered; I've already seen my closest friends suffer." But I still ended up learning something there. There were several quotes from Romans mentioned, and one in particular struck me for some reason.

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Romans 8:18

It's a familiar verse, but I guess I needed to be reminded. I get so wrapped up in myself sometimes that I forget about the future. My current surroundings tend to define me, and, most unfortunately, my mood. Details suck me in, and the big picture vanishes. I forget nearly every day that the most beautiful and even necessary things in the world are created with or through fire -- blown glass, purified gold, bread.

For a long time, I wrestled with unbelief. I never doubted God's existence; I had been fully convinced of that long ago. But I felt abandoned, and it made me question His goodness. I'll never know why I didn't walk away right then. I guess it's because He revealed Himself through the people in my life. Ultimately, though, I think there's more than that. Someone once told me that when she struggled with faith, she chose to believe because if He wasn't there, life really wasn't worth it. I guess that's what I was on the edge of before, and where I am now. It seems cruel to me to believe that we suffer for no reason at all. No, there must be someone who allows pain so that we can grow. I cannot bear the thought that pain is arbitrary. Triumphing over and struggling through trials proves there is a God, at least to me. How much more beautiful is the world to us after we have emerged? How much more do we appreciate those things we took for granted? I still don't know how to hold on to this hope when I'm in the depths of the valley, but I suppose seeing clearly from the mountainside is the first step.